Healed, and relapse.
----WRITE ON March 2022
not my diary, but I just feel like writing like I used to.
1) because no one reads.
2) because no one reads.
Anyway, you know healing isn't a monotonic graph. It has its up and down. It's totally okay, but picking up the pieces when you relapsed is a lot harder than healing itself. Hahah. Macam nak mamp*s I mencuba untuk merasakan segala-galanya akan okay.
So, when you're on your lowest low, semua benda macam hit you balik dan suffocate your throat. Masa tu, otak I think nothing. but believing I am not worthy of anything. Sakit nak mampus.
--- CONTINUE WRITING ON April 5th.
It's almost 2 months since someone who said that he will be the reason I smile, left.
I don't like him, not yet. But, I was comfortable with him. And, it wasn't easy for me to open up, but he convinced me to. And, yet he did the same thing that causing me pain in the past. He knew my trauma and he did the same. That's what hurting me. I felt betrayed. I was wondering, am I the problem?
Am I built to feel only pain? Do I deserve to be treated this way? Am I asking for too much? Yknow, my past was already hurting me, and when it happened, I felt like a deja vu. I questioned my decision, as why I let him in. As why I made the move. As why Shasha why?
I know that none of this would happened if it wasn't because Allah wills. Allah made us crossed path.
But, in a way I feel like it's my fault to let him in. I built wall back then, and now I am building walls even higher. Because, the pain is still there. I still cry remembering his words, I still miss talking to him, I miss having someone to ask silly questions. Gotta be honest, I ended things bcs he already gave the sign of leaving, and I know, if I didn't end it now, I'll end up waiting. Like always. That silly Shasha who waits, and was left by the one who say they won't leave. And, when I left, I felt nothing. I don't even feel the need to know anyone new. I have said it to myself when he approached that he's the last person I'll ever give chance to. And, that's it. I am taking break from expecting anyone to be sincere. Because no one does hehehe.
Apparently, me giving effort and no effort Shasha will end up hurting. Tu je. I rasa unfair untuk orang left me macam tu je. Tapi, itulah I boleh buat apa je kan? I bukan Tuhan. Dan, I selalu rasa I memang cuma options seterusnya untuk semua orang sebab mereka dah ada pilihan pertama. Shasha cuma back up. Shasha cuma sandaran. Ataupun, mungkin tak pernah ada dalam pilihan. Cuma persinggahan sebelum menuju ke destinasi.
I percaya Tuhan dah tetapkan I dengan jodoh yang baik dan terbaik. Tapi, i perlu mencari dan berdoa kan. Usaha, doa dan tawakal. Entahlah, mungkin I memang tiada jodoh di dunia, sebab yang sampai dulu adalah mati. Mungkin. Tapi, apapun I mendoakan yang terbaik untuk I.
Semoga Shasha terus dilindungi Tuhan dan dipermudahkan urusan. Semoga apabila betulnya setiap telahan hati Shasha mampu terima dan mengikhlaskan keadaan. Semoga hati terus kuat bergantung pada Tuhan sampai bilapun. He knows better, Shasha. Pertemuan tu pun Dia tahu kenapa Dia temukan.
Sekurang-kurangnya sekarang you tahu, tiada apa yang mampu tetap hati mereka, melainkan dengan izinNya.
Dan, I mendoakan semoga Allah memudahkan I untuk menerima dan reda dengan apapun Dia bagi. Aamin.
