break-free pt. II

 

This is the second part of my break-free post.

So, I said, I did istikharah for things that happened in my life.

And, I guess He gave His answer last Wednesday.

I didn't know what to feel and how to actually cope with this feeling.

It's like breaking up in high school all over again.

Maybe because I don't get the answer, yet.

I am praying hard for my heart to be calm, and at ease.

I tak tahu lah. Hidup ini memenatkan. Tapi, apa yang I boleh buat?

Hadap dan telan. Suddenly, I lost all the words I been wanting to write.

"The moment I decided to let go,

Because I know, I’ll never ever have any chances to be with you.

I know people will say, “It’s okay, you’ll find someone else soon.” 

however, it’s hard for me, to replace you. I took longer path to trust, 

hence it’s going to be longer for me to let go of the past.

I know for a fact that we can never force feelings. 

Even, if we tried. I am trying to make peace with myself. 

Making peace with the decision that I chose before. I don’t want to feel 

bad for letting my guard down, because it’s okay to do so.

Except that, I invested too much of it on you.

I know, I will surely heal. Just that, I hope my healing journey includes you. 

I don’t want to lose a friend, but I guess right now, I gotta choose myself over anything else. I love you, but I love myself more.

My fault was never to let you in, but to let myself falling into the path you led me on. 

I am sorry that you don’t know what you want in life, but I know what I want. 

And I want to live my life peacefully.

I don’t know if I’ll ever fall for you in the future, I hope not. I hope we end this for real, bcs I couldn’t bear anymore heartbreaks." - SA, 190321.