End of November 2021 - Helo December 2021!

 

Helu!

Posting this because today is the 1st of December 2021.

Time sure flies.

And, 2022 is coming in 31 days?!

Currently, I am trying to live my life and makes me happy lol so I don't end my 2021 bersedih-sedih!

It's funny how the things I used to do is now the hardest thing to do. Remember when Shasha didn't give a damn about anyone or anything and lived her life as it is? Yeps, she couldn't do that now. She overthinks a lot, she regretted a lot of things, she doesn't feel like living is something she should have done. She should end her life when she had the chance. That's how she feels now. And, it is hard this time to pull herself out from the dark hole hahahaha. However, she's very thankful for the beautiful people in her life, and grateful that Allah  helps. A lot.

I rasa I hidup ni memang sebab Allah tolong je, sebab Allah tak tarik kewarasan akal I. Walaupun ketenangan hati tu sometimes susah betul nak rasa sebab my mind is too loud! Penat, sangat. Penat.

Bila orang tanya, kenapa penat? kenapa? kenapa? Honestly, penat sebab I tak boleh tidur tenang, bangun pun otak masih berfikir. And, I tak cukup rest even when I tidur berjam-jam. Because sleeping is my escapism, not to rest but to shut my own mind. 

There's this one time, I was super anxious. And, I couldn't breathe properly. I cried because I could not breathe properly. Penat sebab you macam termengah-mengah tau, tapi kau tak boleh stop. Thank God ada Syasya ya haha. I tried to do my deep breathing along with reminding myself, it's okay. Tuhan ada. It's okay. Sambil menangis lah. Penat yang Tuhan je tahu dan Syasya sebab I everyday went 'Sya penat' 'Sya penat' 'Sya bila nak stop macam ni' 'Syaaaaaaaaaaaaaa' hahah

And, she'll reply with 'Sabar Shasha. Kau bukan Tuhan' 'Minta kat Dia'. Jadi, saya cuba dan sentiasa mendoakan yang terbaik untuk saya. I did distance myself from my friends because i taknak susahkan orang lain dengan my thoughts haha. 

So, I mendoakan semoga dengan berakhirnya November 2021, berakhirlah juga episod sedih saya. Tapi, taktahu la nanti ek. Ada masa I boleh pull myself out from the hole, ada masa I rasa nak je tertanam terus dalam tu takyah keluar sebab penat.

May Allah ease everything for me and everyone else around me. Thank you to those who stay and love me exactly the same even when I fucked things up pretty bad. As much as I want to live alone in my world, I believe that having wonderful friends help you to go through whatever life gives you!

-Xoxo, SA-