Feb 22

 

Hi! 

So, I kinda had my meltdown last Monday (7/2). And, I pretty much don't want to talk about it to anyone. I even deactivate my social media account and archive pretty much everything.

You know, I started to feel bored posting every time the sadness waves hit me, and to talk about what triggered me. But, if I keep on bottling them up, I'll never know why I am feeling this way.

Anyway, have you ever feel like you are never enough, never good enough for anyone not even yourself? Like, you always did the stupid things that got you hurt in the end? And, you be blaming yourself for allowing those acts in the beginning. Because that's exactly what I feel.

It's never anyone's fault that I am triggered, it's my fault that I feel that way. I hope that, next time, if there's anyone knocking my door, I'll just lock it. Even if they show me their purest intention. Because, I am a mess, and how could I thought anyone would possibly want to know me sincerely?

IDK man, it's always the lelaki baik. Maybe I tak baik mana, so yknow. Hahaha. I doakan yang terbaik jela untuk dia. Too early untuk I post I rasa begini sebab he hasn't reply. But, he made me feel as if I asked for too much when I ask for nothing at all. So, macam I cakap, not him. It's me. 

I hate that I am always right, tapi I am always right. Even when I took all the f precautions..... it still hurts. Not that I love him like love him, but I am giving him the space and time, so sebab tu kot sakit. Sebab, I open my door. Hehu. I should stay the way I was before.

SOOOOOOO, NEXT TIME, IF I AM ALLOWING ANYONE IN, JUST THROW ME BRICKS! 

Hahah for real. Throw me hard things biar I ingat, nothing worth the pain. The problem is me. I should build wall, and never lower my wall to anyone sebenarnya. It's okay. Lesson learnt. Also, Tuhan tahu yang terbaik kan, so maybe there's hikmah knowing new people after all. Cuma, I don't think I want to meet anyone new or let anyone new juga. I told myself dah, ni last. Sebab things are prone to happen the same way it was. And thought 3rd time is the lucky charm. But, no! hehehe.

It's okay Shasha. You had your plan fixed dah. Rumah orang tua-tua as planned! <3 You deserve better, and maybe by better, it means that you gotta be by yourself. I love you still!!! 

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Hi, So, I got my answers from the guy I've been talking to the past 3 months, and from God? I think.

So, yknow I was sad and overthinking, and sad again. I gotta convince myself that things happened for reasons. Though, not sure what's the reason.

Anyway, I am not sure is it me, who ruined all the good things that happened, or the things that I thought is good for me, probably bad according to Him? Not sure though. Anyway, I sorta end things with the guy, well, let's named him, M. Not ending the friendship lah, it just the talking phase that I ended. Maybe we're meant to be in the phase for 3 months. 

It's kinda sad because I love being close to him. And, because it's hard for me to be vulnerable like I did when I was with him. So, dia macam sukar sedikit lah. I know, people see me as someone yang senang bergaul. I ammmmm, just that for me untuk tell you my past and what made me, me isn't easy. But, dengan dia macam easy tau -- easy lepas dah lama-lama lah. Tapi, to have someone you can talk everything with is a bless. At least for me.

But, things happened. So, yeah. And, I am tired of be in any talking phase. So, next time, I'll probably just consider everyone kawan yang macam mana i kawan semua orang. Like, no one will ever pass the friend stage dah. I mean, M is a friend too, cuma dia cam lebih sikiiit lah dulu. 

I pray the best for us. And, kinda pray that we'll cross paths and be on the same page. Tapi, Allah tahu yang terbaik la kan. Jadi, semoga hati Shasha diberikan ketenangan dan semoga hati tidak berbolak balik dan semoga tidak terpaut dengan sesuatu yang tidak pasti. I don't always pray to cross path, but this time, I wish we will. Tapi, apapun kerja Tuhan. I've done my best before, jadi I tiada apa yang nak dirugikan. And, I regret nothing. 

Loves, Shasha